What’s Wrong With Joe Mauer? The Good Book Knows

July 3, 2010
By

TARGET FIELD — When Joe Mauer won the batting title last year along with the AL MVP, Twins fans thought this would be the norm for their native son.  So far this season Joe Mauer hasn’t come close to replicating the numbers from last year and Twins fans are starting to wonder what could be wrong with the Baby Joesus.  Numerous theories have been put forth including defensive alignments and improved scouting reports on how to pitch to him.  One insane theory put forth by Twins batting coach Joe Vavra suggests Mauer doesn’t “trust” the Target Field backdrop like he did the Metrodome.  After reading that I almost made a cyanide martini.  As you can see, people are getting desperate to figure out what the cause for Mauer to only have an average season.

All the aforementioned excuses for Mauer’s struggles have some merit (except Vavra’s) but the investigative staff at TTBB has uncovered the true reason for his down season.  The answer to Mauer’s struggles is found in the Biblical figure Samson.  I won’t get into a sermon here but only say Samson was a very strong person but lost his strength with the loss of his hair.  We believe this is occuring with the Twins Biblical figure Joe Mauer and his sideburns.  Below is a comparison of sideburn length from his MVP season last year and his struggling season this year.

Not "Well shaved" Mauer

As you can see, his sideburns were much more prominent last season.  This year they are more reserved and appear a bit shorter thus leading to his drop in power at the plate this season.  It’s hard to figure out why he may have cut them shorter but we do know one thing, if Joe Mauer wants to regain domination of MLB pitchers, he will have to grow out that which gives him power, his sideburns.

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