Twins spring training started today but was missing a ‘big’ piece of its bullpen, Joe Mijares. Sources are saying Mijares had a last minute issue come up back home and that he will return as soon as possible. The crack staff at TBB believe it was “Monster Wing Monday” that held Mijares back another day but we cannot confirm that.
Regardless of what Mijares excuse is for missing camp, manager Ron Gardenhire was pissed. “How the hell are we supposed to have a balanced bullpen with that guy missing? What are we supposed to tell the kids at the Hospital when they ask to play Bulldozer Bulldozer send Mijares right over (a new Twins take on Red Rover)?” Gardenhire was so angry he stormed off kicking dirt and spitting colorful metaphors. After a few minutes of kicking dirt, and cursing, Gardy was tuckered out and sweating. Still angry he went and punted the table Micheal Cuddyer was giving a magic show on.
When I finally got Gardy to settle down, I asked him what his plans were if Mijares failed to show up tomorrow. “Don’t worry about it, we already have dispatched a guy to go and retrieve Mijareseeesssyss. The Pohlads have opened their wallets this season so we went out and got the best technology money could buy, a T1000.”
For the readers who do not know, a T1000 is “mimetic poly alloy” (liquid metal) and have a demeanor similar to Tiger Woods at a apology press conference.
We asked Joe Mauer what he thought about the Twins new staff member, “Pretty Exciting,” he said.
We asked Scotty Ulger what he thought about the new staff member, “Huh,wha, STOPPPP,” he screamed as he held his arms up, going into flashbacks like a Viet Nam Veteran.
I felt I had stirred up enough trouble and began packing up my things. As I walked away Gardy yelled “Don’t worry, T-onethousandsies will find Mijaresies, it’s not like the time we sent Boof Bonser to go find Sidney Ponson and we found them comatose in a pile of bones and wing sauce.”
UPDATE —No news yet if Mijares was flying Southwest and got Keven Smithed.