BALTIMORE — The Twins front office made a very controversial yet nostalgic acquisition Tuesday when they signed robotic hurler Brad Radke 2.0. The fan favorite Brad Radke retired in 2006 after his right arm basically fell off. Since then Brad has been itching (with his left hand) to get back into the game but has been unable to because of the lack of an arm. That all changed with the launching of Skynet and the new Phillies robotic pitching machine. Using advanced technology so top secret we can only see the results, the Twins training staff was able to attach a decapitated Radke head to the chassis of a robotic pitching machine. This now has given Brad Radke the arm he was missing and another chance to get back into the game. A press conference is scheduled to be held tomorrow where Bill Smith and Gardy will introduce the newest cyborg member of the Twins pitching staff. We were lucky enough though to ask Brad 2.0 a few questions…..
TTBB: “Brad, or is it RoboBrad? Either way, what does it feel like to be back in baseball?”
BR2.0: “Beep bo beep beep bbbbeeeep scvvhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!”
TTBB: “I’m sorry what was that again? Did they forget to install your OnStar navigation system?”
BR2.0: “Beeep akldjldlkjjfajdfadfadf adf beep booop beep beep beeeoooooooooo.”
As you can see, there are still a few bugs to be worked out with BR2.0. We asked Twins manager Ron Gardenhire what he thought about the controversial signing.
TTBB: “So Gardy, what are your thoughts on bringing back an updated version of an old fan favorite?”
Gardy: “Well there’s no doubt he will be an asset to the team. Brad was our bulldog back in the day and now Robo-Brad can be our robotic bulldog.”
TTBB: “After watching the video of BR2.0 throw out the first pitch in Philly, are you a little concerned at what you saw? The pitch was about 20mph and got half way to the plate?”
Gardy: “Obviously there are a few bugs to be worked out like adjusting the ball launch system inside of him. I’m not worried, Andy can fix anyone, he’s one of the best pitching coaches around.”
TTBB: “What kind of pitcher do you think he’ll end up being? Are you thinking more of a flame thrower or a soft tossing pitch-to-contact specialist?”
Gardy: ” We think he’s going to make a great lob-to-contact pitcher. We don’t want him throwing 200mph because hell, Joe’s already beat to hell this season. We just want him to throw strikes and not walk guys. He can just throw it up there and let the opposing team hit the living shit out of the ball cause I don’t care. Once we get Nishy back our infield will be the fastest in baseball history and get to every crushed ball. He just has to be sure to throw strikes or else we will pull the plug on him.”
TTBB: “Any other thoughts on this signing Gardy?”
Gardy: “Yeah, I’m glad I got that robot insurance. Oh, and BATTLE.”
We want to thank Gardy and Brad Radke 2.0 for their time. Gardy’s eyes appeared to light up when he talked about his new pitching toy. The staff at Target Field are also excited to hear about this peculiar signing. BR2.0 will be helping T.C. launch shirts into the crowd while also serving as a pest control machine. If he sees that squirrel that attacked Brendan Harris (or even Brendan Harris) he will launch them out of the ballpark.
There’s no doubt this signing will send shockwaves throughout the medical and sports world. As for Gardy and the Twins coaching staff, they’re hoping this signing sends a message to the clubhouse that they are committed to winning, no matter how unethical.
******UPDATE Brad Radke 2.0 has killed every player in the clubhouse. Skynet is aware. Oh god, he’s coming for me now, hel……………………………..