After long negotiations a day many people were hoping for has finally happened, Joe Mauer has signed a contract extension with the Twins.
The anxiety in Minnesota had stepped up to unthinkable levels as Twins fans across the region began thinking the unthinkable question since Obama had taken office, “What will we do about the 2011 season and Joe Mauer?” Many theories had been floating across the media offering up possible set backs in the negotiations spanning from his distaste for Schweigert hotdogs, and salary levels not being high enough to feed his family. All of this speculation was for not however as TTB reporters uncovered the truth from Joe moments after he put the pen to paper.
TTBB: Joe what was the reason it took this long for the two sides to come together?
JM: Well to tell you the truth it’s no coincidence that my signing happened on the same day as historic health care reform, the Twins insurance wouldn’t cover me under a new contract due to my pre-existing back conditions that held me out of the first month last year.
TBB: That’s just horrible, what did the Twins think of this being the reason you were holding out?
JM: Well they called me a socialist, marxist, Joe “Mao”er and even a babykiller but Bill Smith said he was just kidding. I don’t think he was kidding as he said he was off on a hunting trip with oil execs and I watched him get into his Hummer 8×8 truck with ‘Twins Patriot Freedom’ labeled on the sides.
TBB: How do you feel now that this is past you?
JM: I’m just glad that I can feed the Mauer family and afford to get a different ‘Mauer Chevrolet’ spokesman than Dan Cole. He was all we could afford but now I can tell him to freshen up or at least get some help cause I’m moving on. Btw, I always loved that one.
TBB: One final question Joe as we want to let you go celebrate with your socialist friends. How has your teammates reacted to the great news?
JM: Well they’re all pretty happy right now except for Morneezsies. If this bill would have passed last year, he would have been covered to get surgery on his back and wouldn’t have missed the rest of the season. Cuddy is pretty happy though, now his accident from the ‘missing finger trick’ won’t be considered a pre-existing condition and he may get fitted with a new finger.
TBB: Thanks Joe.
Thats Twins Baseball would just like to thank the Obama Administration for his evil health care plan, although a Soviet flag is going to be flying at the capitol now (IALTO), at least we have our Joe Mauer.