PANIC ROOM — Breaking news in Twins Territory. It appears that Joe Mauer’s sideburns have been stolen. If seen please return to Target Field. This is worse than seeing your uncle taking off the Santa suit and ruining the magic of Santa and Christmas. Most likely suspect is some little bastard in the hallway...
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Today the Twins unveiled their newest statue outside of Target Field. With the Mets coming into town with snow falling and temperatures in the lower 30s, the statue couldn’t be more fitting. The statue of Han Solo frozen in carbonite is meant to honor those fans who have frozen to death during recent Twins...
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Tonight in Kansas City the temperature was in the upper 30s and Josh Willingham came prepared. He rode in on a Tauntaun, gutted it and placed it in the dugout between innings to stay warm. He wore this out in the field.
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SECRET BUNKER — Well another season of baseball is upon us so I better get my predictions in. The season will revolve around pitching, pitching, and pitching. Unfortunately the Twins front office assembled a staff that resembles the Rohan Army at Helms Deep before the Elves show up….children and old men armed with shitty...
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Another offseason of the Twins front office picking through the scrap heap for players. See if they can find another Jared Burton when the new season starts in April!
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