TARGET FIELD — When the Twins front office began designing Target Field, they wanted the overall theme of the ballpark to display all that Minnesota had to offer. From the limestone wall in right field that nobody (on the Twins) can hit over, to the Griswold Family Christmas Tree Farm in center field, everything in the ballpark drips with Minnesota goodness (except the sod). With everything about the new ballpark seemingly perfect, it came as a shock to many that an anti-gay religious group stated they would begin protesting a theme they found over the center field wall, two jolly characters forever holding hands, Minnie and Paul.
According to our secret sloth embedded within the Twins front office, the anti-gay religious group believes the center field sign with Minnie and Paul holding hands promotes a gay lifestyle and the Twins are trying to influence young male fans to not like girls. When protest leader Ima Straight was asked what holding hands had to do with anything, he responded “You know who else has hands don’t you? The devil, and he uses them for holdin!” He then went on to suggest the letters on Minnie and Paul’s jersey’s ‘M’ and ‘S’ do not signify Minneapolis and St. Paul but instead signify a word that isn’t in the Bible, “Man Sex”.
The Twins do not plan to put Minnie and Paul in the closet under Target Field any time soon and it’s unsure what impact the protests will have on the players if any. We asked a few of the players for their thoughts to which they agreed to talk but because of the controversial nature of the issue, they asked to remain anonymous. We asked one player if he ever thought Minnie and Paul were gay to which the player responded “We never really thought of it that way, they just seemed like friendly guys up there on that scoreboard and whatever that means who cares.” This “Don’t Ask Don’t Tell” response was common amongst players in the Twins clubhouse. I also received numerous “No Comment” answers from players when asked if they didn’t hit home runs at Target Field because it would light up Minnie and Paul.
Why the protesters have chosen this coming home stand is unknown, perhaps the group ran out of funerals to ruin. The writers here at TTBB are wondering if this is the same group of protesters who held up signs “God Hates Mags” the last time the Tigers were in town but have had no such luck confirming such information.