Bruce Chen Facts

November 16, 2011
By

Kneel to Chen

If your favorite baseball team plays in the AL Central, then you already know who Bruce Chen is.  If not, I thought I would help spread the legend of Bruce Chen so that future generations may know of his greatness.

  1. Bruce Chen doesn’t sleep, he waits.
  2. Bruce Chen made Ozzie Guillen leave the AL Central.
  3. Bruce Chen doesn’t chew tobacco, he chews on glass.
  4. Bruce Chen killed Bin Laden and Gaddafi with his fastball.
  5. Bruce Chen doesn’t believe in the periodic table of elements, he only believes in the element of surprise.
  6. Bruce Chen’s dog walks him.
  7. Bruce Chen is paid in gum.
  8. The Chicago White Sox and Minnesota Twins have retired Bruce Chen’s number.
  9. Bruce Chen was raised by chupacabra.
  10. General Zod kneels to Bruce Chen.
  11. The character Anton Sugar from “No Country For Old Men” was a toned down version of Bruce Chen.
  12. Bruce Chen has more wins than Coach K.
  13. Bruce Chen occupies everyone’s street.
  14. Bruce Chen doesn’t care for Facebook’s “like” button.
  15. Bruce Chen once made Michael Cuddyer swing at his fastball twice in one pitch.
  16. Bruce Chen drives slow in the left lane because he can.
  17. Bruce Chen splashes the pot whenever he wants.
  18. Bruce Chen dug the Panama Canal by himself.
  19. When the Worlds Most Interesting Man watches baseball, he watches Bruce Chen.
  20. Meg Ryan was thinking of Bruce Chen during the deli scene in “When Harry Met Sally”.
  21. Bruce Chen has never faked anything.
  22. In the movie “Roadhouse”, the character of Dalton was loosely based on Chen’s presence in postgame bar fights.
  23. Bruce Chen wonders why the Twins would sign Jamey Carroll.
  24. Phil Jackson practices “Chen Buddhism”.
  25. Bruce Chen made McDonalds bring the McRib back.
  26. Bruce Chen was going to be traded to the Red Sox last September but he does not eat fried chicken.
  27. Buffalo Wild Wings delivers to Bruce Chen.
  28. Bruce Chen told Clint Eastwood to get off his lawn.
  29. Bruce Chen canceled NBC’s “Community”.
  30. Bruce Chen can toss a football over them mountains.
  31. Whoever wrote the song “Only the good die young” must have had Bruce Chen in their kindergarten class.
  32. Up up, down down, left right, left right, b a, b a, select, start is not the Konami code but the movement on Bruce Chen’s pitches.
  33. Bruce Chen never dies on the Oregon Trail.
  34. Bruce Chen once shot a man in Reno, just to watch him die.
  35. If you ever party rock Bruce Chen, he will kill you.
  36. Bruce Chen pisses excellence.
  37. Bruce Chen is the father of January Jones’ new child.
  38. Kim Kardashian’s divorce was a result of her cheating on her husband with Bruce Chen.
  39. Peyton Manning’s neck injury is a result of a Bruce Chen roundhouse kick.
  40. Bank of America pays Bruce Chen $3 every time he uses his check card.
  41. King Kong ain’t got shit on Bruce Chen.
  42. Bruce Chen’s tears can cure bilateral leg weakness.  It’s too bad he has never cried.
  43. The act of killing a person who is planking, is now known as “Chenning”.
  44. Bruce Chen’s fastball is so slow that you can run your home run trot before you hit the home run.
  45. Bruce Chen was drafted straight out of the womb.
  46. Bruce Chen knows what the Rock is cooking.
  47. Bruce Chen is the only man Joe West will not eject from a game.
  48. Clubber Lang’s got his “Hey woman” pickup line from watching Bruce Chen work his magic at a bar.
  49. In the movie Dumb and Dumber, Lloyd Christmas doesn’t put out the vibe at the bar, he puts out the Chen.
  50. Bruce Chen is the architect of the Matrix.
  51. Bruce Chen knows where Jimmy Hoffa is buried because he buried him.
  52. The only walk Bruce Chen has given up was when he let Jesus walk on water first.  Chen followed immediately after.
  53. Bruce Chen doesn’t believe in WAR, he only believes in War.
  54. The highest selling Denver Bronco jersey is Bruce Chen’s.
  55. Every morning Bruce Chen waterboards himself instead of showering.
  56. Mike wants to be like Bruce Chen.
  57. The earthquake felt throughout the southern plains last week was due to Bruce Chen body slamming someone who party rocked him.
  58. Bruce Chen is the reason the oldest person on the planet seems to always die.
  59. Nobody speaks of Bruce Chen’s name at Hogwarts.
  60. Bruce Chen is sent in to clear out “Occupy” protesters.
  61. Bruce Chen lives in a van down by the river, because he wants to.
  62. Bruce Chen knows more about foreign policy than Herman Cain.
  63. Houston Astros are moving to the American League to give Bruce Chen more competition.
  64. When Tim Tebow “Tebows”, he is actually thanking Bruce Chen.
  65. If Bruce Chen were a Twin, he would mathematically eliminate Minnesota Nice.
  66. Legends and Leaders was inspired by Bruce Chen.
  67. Bruce Chen is Han Solo’s father.
  68. Bruce Chen’s version of Happy Feet is him kicking field goals with penguins.
  69. Bruce Chen shot JR.
  70. Ron Gardenhire wishes he had Bruce Chen but the liability insurance would cost the team too much.
  71. Bruce Chen hates Rascal Flatts.
  72. Jagger has moves like Bruce Chen.
  73. Bruce Chen doesn’t believe in Gardyball.
  74. Bruce Chen is the 3.14%.
  75. Adele wrote all of her songs about Bruce Chen.

I’m sure I will think of more later.  Have any yourself? Leave them in the comment section below.

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2 Responses to Bruce Chen Facts

  1. CurseOfBenitez on November 30, 2011 at 1:30 am

    Bruce Chen is currently holding at least three city council members hostage in an attempt to coerce them into changing the city name to Chen City.

  2. [...] posts — namely, The Target Field Trail: Game Predicted Twins Horrible Season, Gardyball, and Bruce Chen Facts – without laughing your tail off. Funny guy on the blog, even funnier on [...]

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