FETAL POSITION IN MY BASEMENT — As many of us have heard by now, some looney guy and his followers are predicting the rapture will occur tomorrow. For those who may be concerned, it will occur at 6pm in your timezone (I’m not making this up). Get ready for Zombie Dick Clark and his countdown to when the Savior drops.
All of this talk got me wondering if I will be able to watch one more Twins game before the world ends tomorrow. The Twins don’t play until 9:10 Saturday night, which means many Twins fans will already be burning in hell since the game is being played out west and our 6pm rapture time slot has occurred….or will it??????
Harold Camping is the
advertising genius prophet who is predicting the rapture will occur tomorrow. He has all of his brainwashed followers holding up signs that say May 21st is the day of the rapture, while also listing his website on the poster (thus making ad revenue off of the fear his rapture created). What is his proof that tomorrow is the rapture? He uses math and some convenient numbers from the Bible. The following is wikipedia:
- According to Camping, the number five equals “atonement”, the number ten equals “completeness”, and the number seventeen equals “heaven”.
- Christ is said to have hung on the cross on April 1, 33 AD. The time between April 1, 33 AD and April 1, 2011 is 1,978 years.
- If 1,978 is multiplied by 365.2422 days (the number of days in a solar year, not to be confused with the lunar year), the result is 722,449.
- The time between April 1 and May 21 is 51 days.
- 51 added to 722,449 is 722,500.
- (5 × 10 × 17)2 or (atonement × completeness × heaven)2 also equals 722,500.
Here is where Scott Baker’s stats prove that the rapture will indeed occur tomorrow……
Saturday’s starter is Scott Baker. His current record is 2-3, 3.99 ERA, 48K, 17BB, and 1.31 WHIP.
2+3 = FIVE, which equals atonement.
17BB = SEVENTEEN, which equals heaven (if it’s not 17BB in 17innings).
1.31 WHIP = if you add up all of the digits in that value 1+1+3 = FIVE OH MY GOD!!!!!!!.
NOW IT GETS REALLY SCARY….5 from the wins + 5 from the WHIP equals….TEN which equals COMPLETENESS!
(Wait, maybe it’s not the rapture tomorrow but Baker throws a complete game? Wait, that would mean the rapture OH MY GOD).
So basically, using Camper’s logic, (Record x BB x WHIP+Record) squared = 722,500.
722,500 is EXACTLY THE NUMBER OF GAMES BACK IN THE CENTRAL THE TWINS ARE! HOLY SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Want more? THE TWINS ARE 5th IN THE CENTRAL!!!!
Want even more? JOE MAUER ISN”T IN FLORIDA, HE’S IN HEAVEN GETTING READY TO COME DOWN!
As you can see dear friends, it all ends tomorrow. If you believe it does, like I don’t, give me your car keys and bank account numbers so I can make sure they are in safe keeping while you are gone.
VIVA LA RAPTURE!